The GRE is COMPLETE!! (and other general life updates)

Well hello everyone. I’m back after a temporary hiatus, a little less neurotic and a little more prepared for the future.

I took the GRE on Thursday and I’m hopefully done with standardized tests FOREVER.

I didn’t do as well as I’d hoped but I did better than I was doing on the practice tests. All I care about is that it’s over. I took the test on ZERO sleep and no caffeine. It was very stressful, but it’s done which means I can focus on other parts of my life (like my blog).

I also got a new job this week. It’s a part time thing that’s going to give me some kind of income for the time being. I’m still applying for jobs that actually have something to do with my degrees but I can’t be jobless any longer than necessary. So I start that in a couple of weeks.

I’m also planning to get certified to substitute teach soonish, if possible. Again, it’s a supplemental thing until I can find a job that is actually applicable for my degrees but hey, it can’t hurt, right?

I’m also preparing for grad school applications because I need to get out of this town as soon as possible. It’ll eat you alive, this town. And not in the ‘New York City, moves so fast you can’t catch your breath and if you don’t carry mace, you’re probably going to get murdered’ kind of way. I mean it’ll eat you alive because it’ll suck the passion out of you. This town is where people get married too young, pop out some kids, and get divorced before they’re 30, sometimes multiple times. This town is where ambition doesn’t exist, where there’s very little outside of dead-end jobs, tattoo parlors, and strip clubs.

Basically, please please please get me out ASAP.

30-Day Challenge: Insecurities

12. Insecurities. They’re a thing. Share at least one of yours and way you’ve managed to deal with it.

You guys don’t know me. Hell, I don’t even know me most of the time. But I have a very… particular personality. I hide my insecurities behind humor, self-deprication, and a false ego to an obnoxious degree. I’m kind of a bitch, to be honest.

And I’m not going to use this post to defend myself for having those moments, nor am I going to use it to justify my personality flaws. But I will use this post to explain who I am and how I cope with things.

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This is one of the most recent photos of me. It’s from Christmas morning, I was snapchatting friends, and my stepmother caught it on camera.

This is not an attractive photo of me.

I’ve always been big and I’m sure you all know that kids are cruel. I spent most of my formative years being picked on and basically hating myself..

They don’t tell you everything in all of those anti-bullying commercials and seminars and everything else they make kids sit through that never actually work. Trust me, I’ve sat through an hour long ‘bullying is wrong’ lecture with my 4th grade class only to be called ‘beached whale’ and ‘fatso’ as soon as we go out for recess.

What they leave out though is what you’re supposed to do when it’s not your classmates who are treating you like crap for your body at the ripe old age of 7. They don’t tell you how to deal when it’s the people who are supposed to love you, unconditionally. They don’t tell you how to deal with how much your own parent can’t stand to look at you.

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30 day challenge: a letter to me at 16

Brittany:

The tongue ring was a bad idea. Take it out now and save yourself some dental issues later.

He will never love you like you love him. Stop giving him all of yourself.

Your body is not your enemy. Your father is. The sooner you accept that, the happier you’ll be.

You do not have to settle for fake friends. You’re better than that.

Don’t worry, it’ll all work out in the end.

Make yourself happy first. No one else can do it as well as you can.

30 Day Challenge: Smile like you mean it.

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7. Post a picture that makes you smile and write about why/what it represents.
From:http://youdontlooksick-livingwithra.blogspot.com/2012/07/just-fun-blogger-challenge-day-1.html

So, today’s challenge was kind of hard for a few reasons. Number one: I have too many pictures from which to choose. In fact, I have an entire door covered in JUST PICTURES that mean something to me.

I was going through facebook though, and I found this one. That very blurry photo was taken the first weekend I moved into my apartment at college. Those three goofy kids have been my roommates since 2011 and we’re a family.

As you can see, there’s some alcohol in that picture. Like any 21 year old college kids, we decided to get to know each other by drinking excessively and goofing off. There was a lot of ‘I never’ and ‘truth or dare’. I’m pretty sure this is the night Kim (the girl in the center of the photo) ended up cutting her foot on a broken airplane bottle.

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I’m pretty sure this photo also came from that night. Clearly, we’re the most fun roommates ever.

But yeah, these are some photos that always make me smile. They represent the beginning of a new part of my life and new friendships. They’re my family away from home.

30 Day Challenge: Driver, Roll up the partition please… (aka a ridiculously long post of my sexual history that amounts to a whole bunch of nothing)

6. Let’s talk about sex. From kinks to fantasies to fun things you want to share. Don’t worry about sharing anything you don’t want to be public knowledge, just allow yourself to tap into your dirtier side for a bit.

So, today’s topic was chosen by me mostly because Kristi and I wanted to find a topic to make Maggie uncomfortable. After reading Maggie’s post, I assume we were successful. However, after reading Kristi’s post and now that I’m thinking about my post, I don’t think we realized how awkward/weird/uncomfortable we’d be talking about this in front of people we do and do not know.

However, I am nothing if not committed so I’m gonna jump right in, share too much detail of the the completely PG rating, and solidify my place as romantically doomed.

Let’s start with this fact: I’m still a virgin. And yes, I have heard the ‘on your way to being a 40 year old virgin’ comments. I don’t really care about them. I am a virgin in every possible way except kissing and even there, I’m pretty inexperienced. This is going to get a bit longer than usual so let’s just add a ‘more’ tag right here.

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30 Day Challenge: What’s the story, morning glory?

5. List 5 things you wish people knew about you without having to explain the, oftentimes lengthy, story behind them.
From: http://www.thesitsgirls.com/blogging/january-writing-prompts/

The worst thing about this prompt is that I came up with the damn thing and now I can’t remember what the five things were that inspired me to suggest it.

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(I don’t have a source for the GIF because I saved it FOREVER ago but know that it’s NOT MINE)

Thankfully, I can remember a few so I’m going to try my best to flesh out five of them

1) I dropped out of high school. A lot of people think that’s not a big deal because it’s pretty common, especially for the area in which I grew up, but they don’t know me. Up until my junior year, I was an A/B student, I was in clubs and organizations, I was not the type of student you expect to drop out of high school. But that leads me to number 2.

2) I suffer(ed) from severe depression as a teenager. You’ll find out more details about this on day 12, when I discuss my insecurities, but it’s really only mentioned in passing. I was diagnosed at 14 but by 16, my depression was so debilitating that I rarely got out of bed in the morning, which lead to missing a lot of school and my grades dropping. I was on meds for a while and in therapy for a long time but now, I manage any mood swings without either. I’m actually considered ‘cured’ if there is such a thing as a cure for depression.

3) I only have one biological sibling but, when asked, I say I am 1 of 6 kids. My parents divorced when I was young and both have since remarried. I have an older stepsister, two older stepbrothers, one younger biological sister, and one brother who we call ‘adopted’ but is by no legal means actually related to me but who I have known most of my life and will always refer to as my brother. I may not actually be related to any of those individuals, excluding my sister, but they are my siblings and I will always refer to them as such.

4) I have enough daddy issues to make the Winchesters look normal. These will be elaborated on some more in Day 12 also. The gist of it, though, is I tolerate my dad because of entirely materialistic reasons that include but are not limited to his bank account and the fact that he has much more expendable income that my mother. I don’t live off of his money by any means but when it comes down to needing rent money or textbooks, I have to call him because I have no other choice. Again, more explanation of these daddy issues will come about in Day 12 and possibly others (day 12 is the only other one I’ve already written by this point) so look forward to that drama.

5) I have to have music playing at all times. This is my ‘grasping for air’ choice but it actually does explain a bit about my personality. I’m not sure if it’s a residual thing from therapy and learning to deal with my emotions and just myself over the years but I have to have music at all times. I can’t sleep if there’s not music playing. I can’t drive if I don’t have music playing. I don’t do well with silence. I only mention the sleeping and the driving examples because that’s when it’s most notable but it’s the same walking across campus or riding the bus or even if I’m in the car with other people. When it comes to sleeping/driving, my brain tends to work in overdrive to the point where I won’t sleep at all if I don’t have something else to focus on. I spent most of middle school and high school drugging myself to sleep (with nyquil or tylenol PM) just to shut my brain up. When I drive, music forces me to pay attention. If it’s not playing, I tend to get lost in my own mind and not focus on the road and trust me, I’ve been in enough accidents without needing another hazardous condition. I guess it’s all the same, really. I need the music to get me out of my own head, so I’ll stop nitpicking everything about myself or thinking others are judging me or, even worse, falling back into a depressive state. Sometimes, I honestly think I can better communicate how I’m feeling or how my day has been with a  song rather than stumbling through words. It’s not nearly as traumatic as it sounds but over the years, I’ve learned that some people simply can’t sleep or do homework or whatever if there’s noise so I’ve had to get used to explaining my reasons for needing it.

So there’s some information about me. Have I scared you guys off yet? I hope not.

I’d love to hear some things about y’all that you find yourself having to explain pretty often.

I just have a lot of feelings

You know when you have a really good day, even if nothing majorly significant happens, and as the day is ending, you’re inexplicably sad?

Today, I’m having one of those days.

And there’s really no cure. It just feels like a sunday night, ya know? After a weekend of fun, I feel like I have to get up in the morning for school and another week of mediocrity.

It’s so random, I know. I’m just having one of those nights, I guess.

So here’s one of my favorite songs, just because it makes me smile, even when it seems a little too dark.