The basics

For my first post after reintroducing myself to my blog, I’m going to do one of my ‘currently’ posts because why not tell you guys what I’m watching/reading/listening to at the moment?

Currently Reading: Winter’s Tale by Mark Helprin. Yes, this is the book that newish Colin Farrell movie is based upon. The book is… rough to get into. But it was my grandmother’s favorite book. It was passed down to my aunt and then my stepdad and then to me so even though I’m struggling with it a bit, I’m reading it for them. If you knew these people, you’d know they don’t recommend books on a whim. It’ll be worth it.

Currently Watching: Greek. And crying my eyes out. This finale makes me cry like a baby EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I’m not sure what my next show is going to be. Maybe Weeds? I’ve heard great things. I really want to get into Shameless but I’m more into shows that are already finished so we’ll see.

Currently Listening: Oh Honey! Omg, I’m obsessed with this band. I heard their song ‘be okay’ on the radio and it’s my go-to happy place song. Sometimes you just need something fun and refreshing!

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Missing in Action

holy canoli guys! I’ve been gone for a LONG TIME.

Work got a bit… hectic in the most negative way possible and after getting myself out of a very hostile and toxic environment, I’m back in the cyber world!

What am I going to write about? well, WHO KNOWS?! But it’s time to stop keeping all my thoughts in my head because it can get stressful!

I hope you guys are ready to be seeing more of me on your reader. If not, I’m sorry! I just hope you can enjoy whatever comes out of my silly little head for the time being.

New York.

I am actively applying for jobs in this crazy, beautiful, magical, terrifying city and I’m kind of freaking out.

I’ve put off applying in NYC because my family has been freaking out about the idea forever and because I didn’t want to apply somewhere and then not be able to move for monetary reasons.

And, while that last one is still true, my mom sat me down and told me that if I really, truly wanted to move to a city I’ve been in love with since my first visit at the ripe age of 12, she thinks I should do it, especially if I’m qualified for the positions.

So I’m doing it. Wish me luck, guys. Especially with Random House because that has been my dream company throughout all of my education plans and there’s not one, not two, but THREE potential job openings for which I am qualified.

Job Search, aka the number one way to make you feel inadequate about everything you’ve ever done in your life.

There is nothing more frustrating and disheartening than trying to find a job after graduation.

Let’s start this off with the fact that I have not one but TWO degrees. I have a Bachelor’s of Science in Communication (with a concentration in Public Relations) and a Bachelor’s of Arts in English. What’s the difference between Science and Arts? I guess just the department under which the major falls. Ironically, at my university, Communication is in the School of Communication and Fine Arts and yet, Science degree? Whatever. Not the point.

I have two degrees but both basically guarantee me to be jobless for the foreseeable future.

You want to know why I’m going to be jobless for the foreseeable future? I can’t afford to move to any of the cities in which I could actually find a job. I’d need to move a minimum of 3 hours away from my home town and an hour and a half away from the place I currently live where the lease runs out in July.

To make matters even worse, all of the jobs for which I’m actually qualified are all closer to the 10+ hours away range, in cities I am nowhere near able to afford at this moment. It’s really unfortunate. 

So there’s something to look forward to, kids. Don’t graduate from college. Ever.

It’s kind of a funny story… (a review of sorts)

When did my blog become a book review blog?

Well, I guess when I ran out of time to do much except read, work, and sleep.

I’m not really writing reviews, y’all. I’m more writing about what I’ve learned from these books or significant things these books are telling me/reminding me of/etc. Plus, I don’t want to give spoilers and in order to get a thorough review, spoilers would happen.

In case the title of this post wasn’t a clear indicator, I just finished Ned Vizzini’s “It’s kind of a funny story.” The book, as a whole, was amazing. I enjoyed his writing style and it was a pretty quick read. I started it a little over a week ago and probably would have finished it earlier if I didn’t spend most of April 13-17 in the middle of a panic attack from hell.

Which leads me to the point I’m trying to make with today’s post.

It’s very hard to write about depression in a way that is understandable to people who’ve never had it without somehow losing part of the experience. I know this because I’ve tried. It’s even harder to write convincingly about depression if you’ve never experienced it.

Vizzini’s writing speaks volumes about how struggles with the illness. His suicide this past December is a reminder of how that illness often wins.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression when I was 14. When I was 17, after three years of the meds basically making it worse, they rescinded the ‘bipolar’ diagnosis and focused on teaching me ways to maintain my depression and anxiety without drugs. I attended weekly (and later biweekly) therapy for 7 years despite no longer being on medication.

I’ve never read a book that actually put into words things I went through during those years. At some point during those years, I was most of the characters in that book. Harming myself to fight against expectations, unable to get out of bed, paranoid of every person I saw, desperate to make it all just stop. 

I found myself crying at the end of the book. Not because someone dies or because the story ended or any other painful reasons but because I felt like a piece of myself was in this book, a piece of myself that I spend a lot of time being ashamed of and hiding away. But it’s still in me and you can’t really lose any part of yourself, despite what you try to tell yourself at night.

If you’ve ever dealt with serious depression or are close to someone who has, read this book. Share this book with that person. It’s the closest you’ll get to understanding what it’s like without having to live through it. Trust me.

My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations. – A review… of sorts?

I just finished John Green’s The Fault in our Stars for the first time.

I’m sure most of you are wondering why a bibliophile like myself is only JUST NOW reading this novel and, to put it simply, I’m a cheap bastard and only bought it because it was on super sale on Amazon.

I will not post details of the book. I won’t include spoilers. I just want to share some comments.

First and foremost, this is the first novel of John Green’s that I’ve read. I own three others in Kindle editions but I haven’t read them due to school having taken up too much time and just never getting around to it. Being new to John Green’s writing style, I’m not sure if this is a feature linked to this book in particular or to all of his books but the prose in TFioS is… magical. I know John Green to be an intelligent, well-spoken man than to his youtube channels. But the words in this novel were so insanely beautiful, I thank whatever Deity that may exist that I never wanted to be a writer because this book would surely ruin my self esteem. I am quite thoroughly wounded in the best and worst ways imaginable.

I should mention that I already knew the general plot of the book and the ending. I’d seen quotes all over the internet. I am so thankful for this knowledge because, considering my reactions with it, I fear for my reactions without it.

I was going to write something profound and dignified (a side effect of living inside of Hazel Grace’s head for 313 pages) about loss and how it changes you and how different every person experiences it. As I am still uglycrying over this book with very little profound thought in my head, I’ve decided against that.

I will say this though. Every person experiences the world differently, experiences loss and love and life differently. The Fault in our Stars did a pretty good job of putting my experiences into words and I’m grateful for that.

 

Life Update.

So, I’ve been sick as hell for the last week or so and insanely busy with work and my roommate’s senior art show before that so I’m been kind of MIA. I’ve had a lot of thoughts of what to post about but no time to write them out so we’re gonna do a quickie right now and update you guys on my ‘currently’ list at the moment.

Currently Listening: I recently downloaded Spotify so I’m all about finding new music so there’s a major variety going on there. I’m also loving Betty Who more and more than ever. I downloaded her EP months ago but I’ve just been really loving it more lately.

Currently Reading: I just finished Mindy Kaling’s “Is everyone hanging out without me?” and it was amazing. I highly recommend it! After finishing it, I finally started John Green’s “The Fault in Our Stars” so I’ll be crying for the next few days.

Currently Watching: “Don’t trust the B- in apartment 23” and what is my life? It’s hilarious. I wasn’t expecting it to be amusing but now I’m adoring it. Everyone should check it out!