So I’m having a kind of crap day for way too many ridiculous reasons to list here but it triggered this thought process I was having over Christmas break thanks to prolong exposure to my daddy issues. So here’s a little snippet of things I wish I could say to my father but never will because I hate confrontation with family and other reasons.
5. List 5 things you wish people knew about you without having to explain the, oftentimes lengthy, story behind them.
The worst thing about this prompt is that I came up with the damn thing and now I can’t remember what the five things were that inspired me to suggest it.
(I don’t have a source for the GIF because I saved it FOREVER ago but know that it’s NOT MINE)
Thankfully, I can remember a few so I’m going to try my best to flesh out five of them
1) I dropped out of high school. A lot of people think that’s not a big deal because it’s pretty common, especially for the area in which I grew up, but they don’t know me. Up until my junior year, I was an A/B student, I was in clubs and organizations, I was not the type of student you expect to drop out of high school. But that leads me to number 2.
2) I suffer(ed) from severe depression as a teenager. You’ll find out more details about this on day 12, when I discuss my insecurities, but it’s really only mentioned in passing. I was diagnosed at 14 but by 16, my depression was so debilitating that I rarely got out of bed in the morning, which lead to missing a lot of school and my grades dropping. I was on meds for a while and in therapy for a long time but now, I manage any mood swings without either. I’m actually considered ‘cured’ if there is such a thing as a cure for depression.
3) I only have one biological sibling but, when asked, I say I am 1 of 6 kids. My parents divorced when I was young and both have since remarried. I have an older stepsister, two older stepbrothers, one younger biological sister, and one brother who we call ‘adopted’ but is by no legal means actually related to me but who I have known most of my life and will always refer to as my brother. I may not actually be related to any of those individuals, excluding my sister, but they are my siblings and I will always refer to them as such.
4) I have enough daddy issues to make the Winchesters look normal. These will be elaborated on some more in Day 12 also. The gist of it, though, is I tolerate my dad because of entirely materialistic reasons that include but are not limited to his bank account and the fact that he has much more expendable income that my mother. I don’t live off of his money by any means but when it comes down to needing rent money or textbooks, I have to call him because I have no other choice. Again, more explanation of these daddy issues will come about in Day 12 and possibly others (day 12 is the only other one I’ve already written by this point) so look forward to that drama.
5) I have to have music playing at all times. This is my ‘grasping for air’ choice but it actually does explain a bit about my personality. I’m not sure if it’s a residual thing from therapy and learning to deal with my emotions and just myself over the years but I have to have music at all times. I can’t sleep if there’s not music playing. I can’t drive if I don’t have music playing. I don’t do well with silence. I only mention the sleeping and the driving examples because that’s when it’s most notable but it’s the same walking across campus or riding the bus or even if I’m in the car with other people. When it comes to sleeping/driving, my brain tends to work in overdrive to the point where I won’t sleep at all if I don’t have something else to focus on. I spent most of middle school and high school drugging myself to sleep (with nyquil or tylenol PM) just to shut my brain up. When I drive, music forces me to pay attention. If it’s not playing, I tend to get lost in my own mind and not focus on the road and trust me, I’ve been in enough accidents without needing another hazardous condition. I guess it’s all the same, really. I need the music to get me out of my own head, so I’ll stop nitpicking everything about myself or thinking others are judging me or, even worse, falling back into a depressive state. Sometimes, I honestly think I can better communicate how I’m feeling or how my day has been with a song rather than stumbling through words. It’s not nearly as traumatic as it sounds but over the years, I’ve learned that some people simply can’t sleep or do homework or whatever if there’s noise so I’ve had to get used to explaining my reasons for needing it.
So there’s some information about me. Have I scared you guys off yet? I hope not.
I’d love to hear some things about y’all that you find yourself having to explain pretty often.